For now, I have a life purpose/philosophy that I’m comfortable with. A blend of Kintaro from Golden Boy and Camus. But, to a lesser extent. A implementations of my strategy of learning and experiencing seem to be done on a higher degree than what I feel I’m capable of; or what I’m built for. The left mind-poison that we’re all equal simply isn’t true. The Bronze Age Pervert points this out, however, I believe we’re also not all built for his “exaltation of life”. I find what he says parallels some of what the Lit Nomad likes to say, which is, to seek large novel experiences rather than neutral or marginally more positive ones. He explains by drawing an analogy human tendencies when it comes to spending money: we need to increasingly spend more to extract the same amount of joy as we once did with smaller totals. Like building caffeine tolerance; you need increasingly large doses of caffeine to reap the same benefits as time goes on with its usage. Popular authorities on non-mainstream thoughts both complement and contradict how I want to steer my ship. I guess that’s what happens when you attempt to combine ancient Daoist philosophy with ways to navigate a highly stimulatory modern-world.

Deep down, what I think I want is few, but tight, company and consistent mental stimulation. My dissonance is a result of where I want to be, and where I am. Further, that projecting where I am forward does not match where I want to be. It is said you need to be proactive about steering your ship, but there also has to be some degree of things that simply happen to you. Some mermaids to push you out the doldrums, a perfect gust of wind, something… It’s totally possible I’m mistakenly navigating into a storm. There are immediate potential signs that if I heed may save the voyage; do I take action upon them or follow intuition and the map I had constructed? My mind is constantly asking what-ifs. I’ve had a taste for how enriching novel social experiences can be; but also I feel this incessant projection, calculation, and optimization is hindering an equally enriching and fulfilling solitary path. Achieving an exalted mental state as the monks and saints yore; pondering all, looking within, and living without ego — dissociated. Though it is incredibly selfish to do so.