The studious groove, and the resulting fulfillment/happiness, manifest itself through a long-term goal I had come up with some time during my freshman year despair. In the time in between then and now, my existence felt right. All that I was doing I could rationalize to be conducive to this long-term goal. That goal being a fulfilling career. Money-wise, intellectually, and perhaps even socially. I began an internship this summer, and while I can certainly say that a career in this field would satisfy those things… as soon as I slot some pieces in place, the puzzle reveals itself to be much more. And there may not even be an end. A systematic hell, an unsolvable rubiks cube where as soon as one face is solved, another has gone awry. Presently, I can imagine a few solutions to root problems. Firstly, more autonomy. I’m aware of my self-imposed mental cage: a fixation with optimizing virtually everything, following through with ideals, and taking assumptions and projections too radically. Community and such feel like an important part as well.

As children, the allure of adulthood was the freedom. Yet somehow even engaging in hobbies is required in order to not kill oneself. You have to find something to look forward to, to choose to do x, y, and z, force yourself to see something differently. Life after childhood is about coping. Otherwise, the long road ahead is just misery.